Part 2: Hanging by a Thread

I am so happy to be leaving Africa with a positive attitude now because a few months ago I was far from positive. I was done…finished…tired. I just finished reading “Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith” by Rob Bell and he summarizes my old feelings so precisely:

“What do you do when you hear the room filling up with thousands of people who are expecting you to give them words from God, and you don’t even know if it is true anymore?”

I was exhausted.

I was burned out.

I was full of doubt.

I was done.

I had nothing more to say.

I was giving everything I had to every area that I was involved in and I was slowly being torn into a million different pieces. I could not stop the machine that I was a part of and I could not slow down the demands being placed upon me. I was giving far more than what most people know as 100 percent. At the peak of my “Insane Time” I was working from 07:30 to 22:00 or even 23:00. I remember telling one of my friends I knew what Bilbo meant when he said he felt like butter spread over to much bread (from the book the Lord of the Rings; and yes, I really did say this).

I was slowly falling apart and parts of me were dying inside. I felt like a piece of machinery in my way to demanding job and had nothing to give on the weekends at the orphanage, which is where I actually wanted to be.

It took awhile for me to realize but it was during this period that I learned that I have a soul. There was a part of me that needed to be fed, needed to feel alive, needed to be nurtured and it was being neglected this time in Liberia. I was surrounded by task oriented people. And while completely tasks are extremely important in maintaining the big picture, forgetting to feed and nurture each other is a horrible sacrifice.

Things I learned this year:

• I learned that I have a soul and I am not my job.
• I learned that some of the most under-appreciated people will never be recognized while those recognized are the most overrated.
• I learned that even a faith based organization can do an excellent job of serving the poorest of the poor while neglecting those that serve.
• I learned that I can survive being on my own.
• I learned that without rest, food and fun I am evil.
• I learned that if I do not maintain the balance within my own life no one will.
• I learned that I have to say enough.
• I learned to laugh at the insanity and ignore the unimportant things.
• I learned that some of the most unexpected people can change your life.