I am having a bittersweet moment as I realize that I am back in the world, on my own again. There is some things I missed so much. The independents to go and do whatever you want, usually whenever you want. There is a sort of freedom and fun involved with being unattached. But I have lived in some form of a community for two years now (more intensely this last year). In some ways I have become like a tamed animal being re-released into the wild and I am constantly having to deal with things that are surprising to me.
I am completely indecisive and it is driving me crazy (and probably starting to drive my friends crazy as well). At first I thought it was just something I needed to shake off, like a new form of jet lag. But as the days have gone by I finally realized last night what is my issue. I have not had to make nearly as many decisions in over two years! What do I want to eat? Well I am use to the meal being laid out for me and me just determining what portion sizes I want. Where do I want to go? Yeah, the schedule was pretty routine too. What do I want to do in the evenings? Again, another routine that was only rarely varied. Even something like picking out a movie usually involved 10 people.
I even caught myself wandering around after my friends. I am use to being with people...all of the time. It's funny being able to sit down and read a book on the couch and NOT having people interrupt every five minutes to know what I am reading, if I wanted to do something later or to tell me about their day. I have become accustomed to interruptions. Having people always there.
And I miss my people! It is something I feel every few hours. I want to know what they are doing, almost to the point where I think maybe I can go back to Liberia for a few days. I am enjoying being here in Lesotho with friends who are so familiar and I have known for so many years they are like family, but I still miss my MS friends, my newer family members. I miss Red, who knows me so well it's sometimes scary when she calls me out on stuff. She would definitely be a co-author in any "Shayla For Dummies" book. I miss Ali (my Ali-gator), who is so funny and silly, but insightful and just awesome to be around. I miss Carson, who is a great special friend and always knows the conversation question to ask that will get under my skin (in a good way). I miss being able to find him just because and not needing a reason to hang out. I miss Phil, shoot the boy is funny and always real (I love real honesty!). I miss the sassy moms club, especially Hanneke and Sally. I am always surprised by what they say and yet not shocked at the same time. I miss my Brazilian family Tatyana, Estevam and even Rodrigo! I miss being able to just relax and be myself since they seemed to be able to take whatever I could throw out.
I miss people who left before I did but have also left holes. I miss Yvonne, my Norwegian sister! She loves me just the way I am, but always knows how to tell me when to hush and encourages me to be a better person. I miss Sarah, who seems to always see me, even in the dark times. Her hugs are legendary and she is my Sarah-bear. I miss Megan aka Megatron. The girl is weird, random, and very messy but she is also genuine, funny and has creativity oozing out of her. I miss Nadine, who can sing as sweetly as an angel and has a heart that loves. I miss Sean (my brother always), who is such a teenage boy with so much to learn but who is also very loving and loves to have fun.
There are so many people, families, couples, kids that I miss. I could not begin to write them all down. It really is amazing when you look back at the people who impact your life. I am so grateful for all of the memories that I have and the people that i have met. And am so happy that a few will be see you later instead of goodbye. I can not wait for the day of hello to come again!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Reality vs Expectations
This has been quite a year and it is humorous how much things can change to make it such a sad goodbye. I came with a lot of expectations of my time in Liberia and with Mercy Ships. Some were unreasonably high and I can not blame Mercy Ships for failing to meet them. Some were reasonable but were still failed by the organization and/ or the community on board the Africa Mercy. Then there were things that I did not expect and they have made this year memorable.
I did not expect to fall in love with the crew and community here. I guessed I would make friends and even enjoy my time here but I never expected to meet so many amazing people and families here. This international detail adds character and, while it sometimes added challenges, it usually was wonderful. I have met so many people from around the globe and have increased my list of "countries to visit" ridiculously. I have learned that people really are the same no matter where they come from. I am convinced that Dutchies (people from the Netherlands) are the European cousins of Americans because they are so opinionated, sassy, loud and funny.
I did not expect to enjoy the families so much...even if it had to develop over time. One of the hardest things to get use to was the fact that living in community means sharing the lives of others...ALL THE TIME! It would be like moving into your neighbor's house and seeing the good, the bad and the ugly (and often having no escape and always having no choice). You are in a family's kitchen as they eat their meals, watching the kids throw temper tantrums, hissy fits and everything else. Sometimes, especially at breakfast on a Saturday morning, I would just want to ask the kids to please be quiet (some of us are actually trying to hear each other). Or in community meetings when I would actually want to listen to the speaker but the kid two rows over wants to talk...then he wants to skip down the aisle...then he wants to sing a song (you get the idea).
Living in community also lets you watch the children learn and grow. You see every milestone: crawling, walking, talking. It is so beautiful to look at the kids and be able to say "I remember when you couldn't do...". And being here for a year made me a part of the family because I become part of the community. So we practice a lot of grace in the petri dish that we live in and call community. We singles have to remember that most families do not have to raise and disciple their kids in front of other people and can escape the store or playground when their child throws the temper tantrum. It is a world that I do not know if I could live in as a family. The kids play on a concrete dock - they do not have grass to roll in or trees to climb. They really do not have anything to climb and the open decks are very limited in size. The children of crew sacrifice in different but equal ways.
As someone who is not fond of hospitals, I did not expect to fall in love with so many of the patients. I will miss being able to visit B Ward. One of my last evenings involved me going down for a quick visit to play with Prince and Kossi. Prince was sleepy and wanted me to hold him. As I played cars with Kossi he fell asleep in my lap. It was wonderful! As he lay there I kept thinking "I will miss this'. Where at home can you walk onto the ward, have the kids run down the hall once they see you, and play until they fall asleep? I even chastised the nurses who walked past and wanted to know if the boys would like to go back to their beds to watch the movie Annie. It was a sweet chastise, simply to remind them that I would only be able to snuggle very soon (and the kids have probably seen Annie at least 10 times). I think they understood...that is what being in community is about!
I did not expect to fall in love with the crew and community here. I guessed I would make friends and even enjoy my time here but I never expected to meet so many amazing people and families here. This international detail adds character and, while it sometimes added challenges, it usually was wonderful. I have met so many people from around the globe and have increased my list of "countries to visit" ridiculously. I have learned that people really are the same no matter where they come from. I am convinced that Dutchies (people from the Netherlands) are the European cousins of Americans because they are so opinionated, sassy, loud and funny.
I did not expect to enjoy the families so much...even if it had to develop over time. One of the hardest things to get use to was the fact that living in community means sharing the lives of others...ALL THE TIME! It would be like moving into your neighbor's house and seeing the good, the bad and the ugly (and often having no escape and always having no choice). You are in a family's kitchen as they eat their meals, watching the kids throw temper tantrums, hissy fits and everything else. Sometimes, especially at breakfast on a Saturday morning, I would just want to ask the kids to please be quiet (some of us are actually trying to hear each other). Or in community meetings when I would actually want to listen to the speaker but the kid two rows over wants to talk...then he wants to skip down the aisle...then he wants to sing a song (you get the idea).
Living in community also lets you watch the children learn and grow. You see every milestone: crawling, walking, talking. It is so beautiful to look at the kids and be able to say "I remember when you couldn't do...". And being here for a year made me a part of the family because I become part of the community. So we practice a lot of grace in the petri dish that we live in and call community. We singles have to remember that most families do not have to raise and disciple their kids in front of other people and can escape the store or playground when their child throws the temper tantrum. It is a world that I do not know if I could live in as a family. The kids play on a concrete dock - they do not have grass to roll in or trees to climb. They really do not have anything to climb and the open decks are very limited in size. The children of crew sacrifice in different but equal ways.
As someone who is not fond of hospitals, I did not expect to fall in love with so many of the patients. I will miss being able to visit B Ward. One of my last evenings involved me going down for a quick visit to play with Prince and Kossi. Prince was sleepy and wanted me to hold him. As I played cars with Kossi he fell asleep in my lap. It was wonderful! As he lay there I kept thinking "I will miss this'. Where at home can you walk onto the ward, have the kids run down the hall once they see you, and play until they fall asleep? I even chastised the nurses who walked past and wanted to know if the boys would like to go back to their beds to watch the movie Annie. It was a sweet chastise, simply to remind them that I would only be able to snuggle very soon (and the kids have probably seen Annie at least 10 times). I think they understood...that is what being in community is about!
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Pursuit of Liberty
The sun is starting to lower in the sky but I will not be able to watch this sunset. At least not in Liberia and not from our beloved dock in Freeport. I will see today’s sunset from the sky. I am sitting in a Kenya Airways airplane preparing for flight KQ0509 to Accra, Ghana. I have said goodbye to Liberia, to the crew on board the Africa Mercy, to my beloved patients on B Ward, and to some amazing friends I have made.
My goodbye was half-hearted, mostly because I can not believe that I am leaving Liberia. As I look at the items in the seatback in front of me I see the Kenya Airway’s motto “The Pride of Africa”. I wonder what South African Airlines thinks about that boast. But then I think about another motto I have become familiar with over the last year. It is Liberia’s motto “The Pursuit of Liberty Brought Us Here”. This liberty that originally brought freed American slaves back to Africa and subsequently to the shores of what is now called Liberia is still being pursued by Liberians living there today. They seek liberty from poverty, illness, and disease. To have a healthcare and an education system. To see their children grow and have children of their own.
I pray Liberia continues to chase this liberty until it is shared by all. I pray that they continue to seek what their ancestors and founders failed to establish: a free Liberia for all. As President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf says “Liberia will rebuild”.
My goodbye was half-hearted, mostly because I can not believe that I am leaving Liberia. As I look at the items in the seatback in front of me I see the Kenya Airway’s motto “The Pride of Africa”. I wonder what South African Airlines thinks about that boast. But then I think about another motto I have become familiar with over the last year. It is Liberia’s motto “The Pursuit of Liberty Brought Us Here”. This liberty that originally brought freed American slaves back to Africa and subsequently to the shores of what is now called Liberia is still being pursued by Liberians living there today. They seek liberty from poverty, illness, and disease. To have a healthcare and an education system. To see their children grow and have children of their own.
I pray Liberia continues to chase this liberty until it is shared by all. I pray that they continue to seek what their ancestors and founders failed to establish: a free Liberia for all. As President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf says “Liberia will rebuild”.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
An American holiday in Liberia
Holidays are low key on board - at least the American holidays. In the year that I have been in Liberia the crew from the USA have only celebrated two holidays Thanksgiving and the 4th of July. For Thanksgiving I baked apple and pumpkin pies and we sat around saying what we were grateful for. And for the 4th of July we ate our dinner on the dock and people brought dessert.
The best part was that we were able to take a photo of the American crew for the first time on the Africa Mercy (thanks Michal who took pictures that evening). Many national offices (the Netherlands, Canada, South Africa) have already asked for country specific photos but since the US office is also the International Operations Center they do not focus specifically on the American crew members and, unfortunately, we sometimes fall through the cracks.
So I arranged for a crew photo and while all 110 American crew members could not attend it was still to big of a group to fit anywhere besides the dock. We had fun and by the end of the evening a lot of the families and crew from every nation had joined on the dock.
I decided to model the desserts: the cake I am holding was pink yellow and green
(Vandi made a good attempt at red, white and blue).
Karen and Keyara draped in the flag; one day soon little Keyara
will make her debut in the States!
One of the many crew kids sporting her painted cheeks.
The sun finally peeked through the clouds right before sunset
The best part was that we were able to take a photo of the American crew for the first time on the Africa Mercy (thanks Michal who took pictures that evening). Many national offices (the Netherlands, Canada, South Africa) have already asked for country specific photos but since the US office is also the International Operations Center they do not focus specifically on the American crew members and, unfortunately, we sometimes fall through the cracks.
So I arranged for a crew photo and while all 110 American crew members could not attend it was still to big of a group to fit anywhere besides the dock. We had fun and by the end of the evening a lot of the families and crew from every nation had joined on the dock.
I decided to model the desserts: the cake I am holding was pink yellow and green(Vandi made a good attempt at red, white and blue).
Karen and Keyara draped in the flag; one day soon little Keyarawill make her debut in the States!
One of the many crew kids sporting her painted cheeks.
The sun finally peeked through the clouds right before sunset
Monday, July 14, 2008
Proud to be an American?
Two weeks ago Friday we celebrated the Independence Day holiday here in Liberia. It was a quiet and pretty low key holiday celebration because, simply put, it is hard to be proud to be American when you live overseas. There is a lot, I mean A LOT, of hostility towards the United States and a lot of negative attitudes reflected at Americans. So living in this international community is not always warm and fuzzy when you are being verbally attacked because of the passport you carry.
Most people can be cool about their political attitudes and thoughts. They will let you know what they think about the president, the economy, and international policies. But they will do it respectfully and limit the verbal bashing. Then there is the other group. I am amazed at what people will say. And the sad thing is that their opinions usually reflect their own ignorance more often than it makes a point.
I have heard a number of anti-American thoughts and can actually understand some of the points. One of the big arguments against Americans is that we are not culturally diverse. Now I can hear the arguments already as you scream that we are a melting pot. Well, let's be honest, if America is a melting pot than the fire is not hot enough to melt the contents. We may live in culturally diverse cities but the average group will socialize with people of their own background. Coming from South Florida I have seen this my entire life. At school every group could be labeled by their race: the Haitians, the Cubans, the Jamaicans, the Puerto Ricans, etc. I know this because I did not fall into any of the groups and was always harassed for hanging out with white people. But as an American who likes cultural diversity, enjoys traveling and living overseas and has a number of international friends I am always insulted when people say I am not diverse. Stop yelling at the choir!
Another argument that we hear a lot here is that Americans do not care about other countries and do not travel a lot. These are arguments that are based in facts, only 1 out of every 5 Americans owns a passport and our foreign policy usually sucks. But during a recent discussion on this subject I tried to explain to a few of my European and South African crew members why this also makes sense. In Europe because of location and closeness many countries are dependent on their neighbors and can quickly feel negative and positive influences. Being on the other side of the pond and only connected to Canada and Mexico the United States is very independent in comparison to the interdependent European Union. I also explained that for a lot of people it makes sense that they do not travel outside of the US. Our country is huge! There are 50 states and some are larger individually than a number of combined countries. At home if I drive an hour I can get from Fort Lauderdale to Miami. In Europe I can cross the border and be in a new country. My five to six hour drive from university to my parent's house would let me either drive across two or three countries or drive around one country a couple of times. I then reminded my fellow crew members that I could enjoy the beach, mountains, deserts, swamps, glaciers, big cities, small towns, metropolises and rural farm towns all within the borders of my own country, sometimes within the same state. How many European countries can boast this type of tourist attractions? So why would someone travel outside of their country, away from the comforts of home, the known language, the cultural rules, and the extra expenses when they could stay within their known borders? I really do not know.
What I do know is that there are 110 Americans on board. We represent a number of states, a number of races and backgrounds. We are very different in some ways. There are some people who remind me of family or friends and some people who embarrass me. But I know that these 110 people are different from most anti-American stereotypes and do not deserve to be harassed or disrespected by anyone. We have left our homes and crossed the pond. We live in an extremely international community and care about people from different countries. So hopefully my fellow crew members will realize that while they are free to have their opinions on America and her policies, these do not necessarily reflect the views, attitudes, or behaviors of the American crew who serve with them. I know that they do not always represent me.
Most people can be cool about their political attitudes and thoughts. They will let you know what they think about the president, the economy, and international policies. But they will do it respectfully and limit the verbal bashing. Then there is the other group. I am amazed at what people will say. And the sad thing is that their opinions usually reflect their own ignorance more often than it makes a point.
I have heard a number of anti-American thoughts and can actually understand some of the points. One of the big arguments against Americans is that we are not culturally diverse. Now I can hear the arguments already as you scream that we are a melting pot. Well, let's be honest, if America is a melting pot than the fire is not hot enough to melt the contents. We may live in culturally diverse cities but the average group will socialize with people of their own background. Coming from South Florida I have seen this my entire life. At school every group could be labeled by their race: the Haitians, the Cubans, the Jamaicans, the Puerto Ricans, etc. I know this because I did not fall into any of the groups and was always harassed for hanging out with white people. But as an American who likes cultural diversity, enjoys traveling and living overseas and has a number of international friends I am always insulted when people say I am not diverse. Stop yelling at the choir!
Another argument that we hear a lot here is that Americans do not care about other countries and do not travel a lot. These are arguments that are based in facts, only 1 out of every 5 Americans owns a passport and our foreign policy usually sucks. But during a recent discussion on this subject I tried to explain to a few of my European and South African crew members why this also makes sense. In Europe because of location and closeness many countries are dependent on their neighbors and can quickly feel negative and positive influences. Being on the other side of the pond and only connected to Canada and Mexico the United States is very independent in comparison to the interdependent European Union. I also explained that for a lot of people it makes sense that they do not travel outside of the US. Our country is huge! There are 50 states and some are larger individually than a number of combined countries. At home if I drive an hour I can get from Fort Lauderdale to Miami. In Europe I can cross the border and be in a new country. My five to six hour drive from university to my parent's house would let me either drive across two or three countries or drive around one country a couple of times. I then reminded my fellow crew members that I could enjoy the beach, mountains, deserts, swamps, glaciers, big cities, small towns, metropolises and rural farm towns all within the borders of my own country, sometimes within the same state. How many European countries can boast this type of tourist attractions? So why would someone travel outside of their country, away from the comforts of home, the known language, the cultural rules, and the extra expenses when they could stay within their known borders? I really do not know.
What I do know is that there are 110 Americans on board. We represent a number of states, a number of races and backgrounds. We are very different in some ways. There are some people who remind me of family or friends and some people who embarrass me. But I know that these 110 people are different from most anti-American stereotypes and do not deserve to be harassed or disrespected by anyone. We have left our homes and crossed the pond. We live in an extremely international community and care about people from different countries. So hopefully my fellow crew members will realize that while they are free to have their opinions on America and her policies, these do not necessarily reflect the views, attitudes, or behaviors of the American crew who serve with them. I know that they do not always represent me.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Gone
So yesterday's ward visit had a bitter sweet moment at the beginning. I walked into B ward with my usually singing and greetings (I love trying to imitate the ladies Liberian English while singing some Liberian/ West African worship songs) only to realize that my ward was way to quiet. So as I looked at the beds I realized it was quieter for two reasons: 1. there were no children in the ward and 2. three beds were empty!
I was so upset and asked the mamas where was Felicia with Moses and James and Abraham with Darling Boy. And they informed me they were gone! I was hoping that they meant they had been moved, although I already knew the answer, and the informed me that they had been discharged that day. I truly was upset. These were two amazing families and the kids were just lovely. And I hadn't said goodbye or anything! Darling Boy was one of the old familiar faces since he was there much longer than the average patient. And Felicia's twins were just lovely and so adorable. And I could not believe some of my favorite kids were gone. I was not ready for them to go.
But then I realized how selfish I was sounding in my own head. These were patients not my personal after work toys. They were here for a purpose and were successful enough that they could be discharged. So I had to suck it up! Which is funny because the mamas were comforting me about being sad. So we rejoiced together that they were able to go home. Joanna informed me that she would be leaving on Monday, which means her daughter Angela will be going as well. I was not happy about this until she made me laugh by reminding me that we all must go home eventually. And I am happy that she will be able to return and use her once burned and contracted limbs more flexibly. And Felicia's twin boys are healthy and happy again. And Darling Boy is able to run and jump just like any other 8 year old.
I still needed to hunt down my kids and take in a good game or two. This was easily remedied by looking on A ward and we were able to rejoice together that a few people had gone home and they too would be going soon!
I was so upset and asked the mamas where was Felicia with Moses and James and Abraham with Darling Boy. And they informed me they were gone! I was hoping that they meant they had been moved, although I already knew the answer, and the informed me that they had been discharged that day. I truly was upset. These were two amazing families and the kids were just lovely. And I hadn't said goodbye or anything! Darling Boy was one of the old familiar faces since he was there much longer than the average patient. And Felicia's twins were just lovely and so adorable. And I could not believe some of my favorite kids were gone. I was not ready for them to go.
But then I realized how selfish I was sounding in my own head. These were patients not my personal after work toys. They were here for a purpose and were successful enough that they could be discharged. So I had to suck it up! Which is funny because the mamas were comforting me about being sad. So we rejoiced together that they were able to go home. Joanna informed me that she would be leaving on Monday, which means her daughter Angela will be going as well. I was not happy about this until she made me laugh by reminding me that we all must go home eventually. And I am happy that she will be able to return and use her once burned and contracted limbs more flexibly. And Felicia's twin boys are healthy and happy again. And Darling Boy is able to run and jump just like any other 8 year old.
I still needed to hunt down my kids and take in a good game or two. This was easily remedied by looking on A ward and we were able to rejoice together that a few people had gone home and they too would be going soon!
Saturday, July 05, 2008
No Translation Needed
There is a new mama on my favorite ward (B Ward) named Felicia. She has twin boys (my favorite) named James and Moses. These darling 21 month old babies are quite the handful! I spent this Saturday on the ward and was able to get to know Felicia a little. In the afternoon the nurses took most of the patients up to Deck 7 for some fresh air but because of Moses' medical equipment they had to stay inside.
I decided to remain behind for a little bit and was able to talk to Felicia. She told me about the boys father and how he left after she became pregnant. There was so much hurt in her voice as she spoke of him. She still saw him and his sister even visited her their first night on the ship. Then she spoke about how she was so worried once they both became sick because she had no idea how she would pay for the medical care. Felicia had already spent a few hundred dollars at JFK Hospital on the boys and knew they would have to suffer awhile before she saved up enough.
I could barely translate her Liberian English. She spoke so quickly and there was so much emotion in her voice. This was a lady who was hurt, had suffered so much and worried for awhile about her boys. And although our lives have differed in so many ways I could translate this. I am sure there was a bit of the story lost in translation. But the raw human side was so easy to hear and feel. Felicia is a lovely woman, a wonderful mother and so amazing. I love being able to sit with her and the boys and am happy they are both recovering so well. It really is such a gift to be able to share these moments.
I decided to remain behind for a little bit and was able to talk to Felicia. She told me about the boys father and how he left after she became pregnant. There was so much hurt in her voice as she spoke of him. She still saw him and his sister even visited her their first night on the ship. Then she spoke about how she was so worried once they both became sick because she had no idea how she would pay for the medical care. Felicia had already spent a few hundred dollars at JFK Hospital on the boys and knew they would have to suffer awhile before she saved up enough.
I could barely translate her Liberian English. She spoke so quickly and there was so much emotion in her voice. This was a lady who was hurt, had suffered so much and worried for awhile about her boys. And although our lives have differed in so many ways I could translate this. I am sure there was a bit of the story lost in translation. But the raw human side was so easy to hear and feel. Felicia is a lovely woman, a wonderful mother and so amazing. I love being able to sit with her and the boys and am happy they are both recovering so well. It really is such a gift to be able to share these moments.
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