Shaylhonest

So I have had a number of people comment on the fact that I have not written anything in a few weeks, which is unacceptable. The truth is I have written plenty...I just have not POSTED anything. I have about 5 drafts written but do not feel it would be wise to post these until they have been read, re-read and edited for pessimism and cynicism.

The reality is that I have felt very pessimistic recently. It has been hard to remain happy as another turnover occurs and so many people I have spent time with and care about are leaving. The hardest part is that a lot of these people were serving before me so they helped make the ship feel like home and now I do not know what it is suppose to be. I went walking on the dock last night by myself. Not because I wanted to walk alone, clear my head, but because I had no one to walk with. I walked up and down the dock past couples enjoying the sunset, the families enjoying their after dinner ritual, and all of the evening joggers. And I felt alone for one of the first times in a few months. Yes, I could have joined a family or walked with a couple or interrupted a private conversation but I really did not want to. I wanted someone to walk with. And it made me realize how many friends I have made, who have now departed, and appreciate the time we spent together. There are still a few stragglers who have not departed - and they make me laugh. The good thing is I know there are a few people I will see again.

The other reality is that my time will also be ending sooner rather than later. There is something about the end of a chapter that makes one reflect. I have begun processing what I have experienced, what I have learned and what is still as gray and confusing as when I arrived. This also includes reflecting on what Mercy Ships is - what it really is and not what is publicized (this is where the cynicism comes in). If you think living in a community, with a bunch of Christians, while serving in Africa is a cake walk you have NO idea. Yes, there are times when it is wonderful, but that is more about the individual people that I am making memories with rather than the community or organization that we are a part of.

I will touch on this in a future edited but still honest blog. A phrase this one former crew member Chad coined was "there's honest and then there is Shaylhonest".